I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
