Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
