I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
