I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
