You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
