Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
