No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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