it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
