Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
