These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
