I wish I could teleport
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
