Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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