of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
