I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
