i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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