She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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