i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
