I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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