im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
