Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
