No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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