I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
