My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When are your genitals available?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
