i need an iv and a liver transplant
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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