I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
