Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
