The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
