no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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