no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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