You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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