this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
