Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
