Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
