I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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