I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
