Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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