mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
