Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
