quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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