just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
