I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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