Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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