Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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