Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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