But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
