Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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