I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
