Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
