I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
