woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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