Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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